Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner 12 years and we have two children aged five and eight. We finally decided to tie the knot at the end of last summer, but after five months of marriage, it’s all over and I’ve thrown him out.
I found out he’d joined a dating site, obviously with the intention of either having an affair, sleeping around or finding someone new.
When I confronted him, he was so defensive and started calling me all kinds of horrible names. I couldn’t believe how angry he was, like it was somehow my fault. It was a very odd reaction.
So, the marriage is over and I have to pick up the pieces.
I feel so humiliated and embarrassed about all of this. We had a big wedding in Ibiza with our kids and loads of family and friends, and now I feel like a fraud.
Everyone bought us gifts and spent money on flights and hotels. The whole thing is mortifying. If I could pay them all back, I would.
He wants us to go to counselling, but why should I? I feel like I don’t even know him. Before this happened I would have sworn he’d never do something like this. For me, it’s over.
Coleen says
I’m not sure if it’s any kind of comfort, but I think what’s happened to you is a lot more common than you’d think. I know two couples in my own life who were together for a long time before finally getting married and then split up fairly soon after the wedding.
Maybe some couples feel the pressure to get married because it’s what’s “expected” or they do it for their kids or perhaps it’s a way of trying to repair or lock down a relationship that has problems. It’s worth thinking about why you decided to tie the knot.
What’s not up for debate is that your husband hit the panic button and did something stupid, which sounds out of character from what you’ve said in your letter.
I think you should talk to him about why, but once your anger has subsided.
I do think couples counselling could help – it might not keep you together, but it could provide some answers and help you to separate.
His anger and defensiveness are down to guilt and panic, and it’s a pretty normal reaction. But it sounds as if he now wants to open up if he’s suggesting therapy. Think about it and don’t make any big, knee-jerk decisions while you still feel furious.
Finally, you’re not a fraud and you have nothing to feel ashamed about – he’s the fraud.
Your friends and family will understand and just want to support you and the children.
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